im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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