New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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