Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
