Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
