forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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