My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
