The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
