kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
