i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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