I'm going to jail i love you
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
