A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
