Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
