You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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