wakey wakey hands off snakey
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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