At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
