In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
