I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I could make wine with my vomit
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize
