The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
