My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think a kid would responsible me up
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
