these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
