my mouth tastes like poor choices
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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