FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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