mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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