glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Pants are for mortals
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
