It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
