those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
