That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
My Higher Power is John Stamos
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
