i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Randomize
