My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
