pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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