apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
