I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
