Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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