if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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