it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
