I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
