Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
