i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize