There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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