also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
