Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
