i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize