I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
