you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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