Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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