I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
