She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
