i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
