I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
