i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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