you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
