She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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