therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
