She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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