Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
