so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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