The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
