weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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