I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
