I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
