Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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