dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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