Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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