i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Randomize
