I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
