Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize