News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
