She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
